Soon, we will live in a world where consuming cannabis on your own time will be as common and accepted as beers after work, but right now, employers can still fire you if you test positive for cannabis. Even if it is legal in your state and even if you have a doctor’s recommendation.
Why, science, why?
The sad fact of recreational substances is that the one that is least harmful to you, cannabis, is the one that stays detectable in your system the longest. As a result, an entire industry of products designed to help you beat drug tests had sprung up and continues to thrive despite the inclusion in many state laws of criminal charges for trying to beat a test.
The problem is that testers are on the lookout for them. Here are the three most popular methods to beat a drug test. Some people swear by them, some are sitting in jail for trying.
1. Detox drinks
There are plenty of drinks like THC Detox, Instant Clean, and Rapid Clear that promise to clean you out for a urinalysis within 24 hours. They claim to do so by using herbal supplements and/or caffeine. Other products people use, like AZO (a natural product for bladder infections), use niacin and cranberry extracts, and there are plenty of drinks that promote detoxing without mentioning THC.
Because tricking a drug test is illegal, and the FDA won’t endorse or test for the accuracy of statements on supplements for medical results, there is no certainty that any of these claims are accurate, unless you risk it. Most, if not all of them will tell you to drink plenty of fluids to help the process, and according to urine drug testing guidelines, that may not be a good idea. Labs keep a wary eye out for samples of urine that appear diluted.
2: Fake urine
That’s right. In addition to cleansing drinks and powders, there is a whole line of urine substitutes that are on the market. Unfortunately, drug tests are like firewalls to hackers. As new ways around them are created, system administrators tweak the system to close the loopholes. Lab testing protocol ensures that samples meet these requirements before even testing them for drugs, and if they don’t, it is considered an automatic fail, regardless of whether drugs turn out to be present.
- Actually urine
- Human urine
- A sample appropriate for a person of your age and gender
- Not diluted or adulterated by another substance, including excess water
- Contains the proper degradation of natural enzymes to correlate to the time the sample was taken
That’s right, People have tried, and failed to pass drug tests by using chemical mixtures meant to resemble urine and even animal urine, but now chemical analysis beats that. Humans have their own unique pee signature. They also test for hormone levels, so getting your girlfriend to pee for you in a cup could be a bad idea. There is nothing worse that getting the results back to say that you failed because a man can’t be pregnant! Some people have even tried using their kid’s urine, but guess what? Hormone levels again. Busted.
The best services out there even offer actual urine from someone of your same age range and gender who pees clean. The downsides to this are two-fold. First, you have to heat the sample and get it in the cup without getting the temperature wrong, or being caught. For those who are viewed during the sample collection, this can be hard, if not impossible.
The second caveat is that there are molecules in urine that break down over a short time period. This means that testers can gauge how old a sample is and frost damage to the body cells excreted during urination can tell if a sample was frozen to avoid this natural decay.
3: Follicle shampoo
Urine isn’t the only common test for drugs in the system. Courts can just as easily test a hair sample. This test can detect drug use within a 3-month time frame, and even show patterns of use, such as if you used, then stopped for a month before using again. Some tests even claim to be able to tell if you were simply in the same room when others toked up, as the smoke could be absorbed second-hand.
There are medical-grade follicle shampoos on the market that claim to use an acidic base to destroy the metabolites of THC and any trace of other drugs, but mixed reviews give them a less than stellar track record.
From years of personal testing, as well as the results of others, there are some words of wisdom I would like to share. The most important factor in beating a test is knowing the quality of the test. A pre-employment test could be as simple as a 5-strip at an outpatient medical clinic, or a complex laboratory analysis. In the case of court ordered drug testing for probation or child custody situations, just assume the worst.
In my entrance to the military, I found that the time THC stays in your system varies considerably based on your personal body mass index. THC metabolites are stored in the body’s fat cells. One friend smoked 2 days before entering, but by being thin and well-muscled, drinking plenty of fluids, and exercising, he peed clean. Another friend was stocky and less than fit. Despite not toking for over 5 weeks, he still peed dirty. Another acquaintance of mine had to have a hair test for
Another acquaintance of mine had to have a hair test for court, and simply bleached her hair at a salon first. She had a great new look and a passing result. Male friends have beaten the test by shaving their heads, but be warned, they can take hair from the arm, leg, and even groin, so shave it all. Plus showing up to the test shaved like Dr. Evil’s cat is very, very suspicious.
In conclusion, the only sure fire way to beat a test is to either be incredibly fit and exercise constantly in conjunction with a combination of these methods or simply abstain. Science is against you, and science kicks butt.
Have you been able to pass a test, knowing you were dirty? What worked for you? Share with your fellow smokers on social media or in the comments below.
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