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culture | 12.11.2019

What Type Of Stoner Are You?

Although many people lump all stoners into a single category, all smokers out there know that this isn’t true. What type of stoner are you?

Although many people lump all stoners into a single category, all smokers out there know that this isn’t true. There are different types of stoners, with different qualities. We like to embrace them all. Which type of stoner are you?

The Spliff Gremlin

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Photo credit: ToyArk

The spliff gremlin is someone who walks into an area being smoked out trying to cop some “complimentary doobage”. It’s not hard to spot this kind of stoner, because it’s impossible to make eye contact with them. They are focusing all of their vision on that joint, unable to stop looking, counting tokes on people and checking out body language.

Until the perfect moment strikes, and he can grab the joint!

The Couch Ninja

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Well, the couch ninja is always on the couch. They are always the first one to the couch, so that they can spread out comfortably. But the couch ninja is important in your circle of stoners, too. He can swiftly handle the drug dealer handshake, without anyone noticing there is something suspicious going on.

He knows exactly which angle to hold the remote so that the censor works perfectly. And of course, he fast forwards through ads at x33 speed, and resuming with incredible accuracy.

The Connoisseur

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The connoisseur inhales the joint deeply and meaningfully when he gets it. He pauses after toking it to savor the flavors and effects that are happening in his body. And then he starts a lengthy speech with the joint in his hand:

“Oh my dear, that is a lovely sativa. Have you thought about getting yourself a fruity indica”……. and perhaps goes on for a long time about the price of weed these days.

And naturally, then everybody wants him to stop talking!

The Productive Stoner

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Photo credit: FourPins

This stoner is less spotted in friendship circles and is often an unwelcome anomaly. Aggravating the rest of his circle of stoner friends, he reports tales of effort and accomplishment from the outside world.

He talks about insights and causes internal pangs during your smoking sessions of “I should do something with my li… oh there’s the joint”.

The Novice

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The novice is the one who has just started smoking in your circle. It takes him two tokes to get to the stupidly stoned place you used to get years and years ago.

He is yet to master a telephone call, trembling and freaking out over what he sounds like. He can’t roll a joint to save his life because he is so stoned, and he probably spends his time freaking out on the couch, comatose, waiting for it all to end.

Check out this hilarious video:

Everyone knows which stoner their friends are in their circle, but which one are you?

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