Photo courtesy of Zig-Zag
The first time most of us take a pull on a joint, it’s on a joint rolled by somebody else. One of your homies, or one of your homies’ homies.
The point is, it’s never you rolling your first joint. And if it is, then hats off to you my friend. But regardless of how your first joint came about, there’s a reason as to why most of us don’t roll our first joints, and the reason is simple; we just don’t know how to do it.
In my case, I didn’t really have anyone to teach me to roll a perfect joint. Let alone tell me what rolling papers to use. Brands like Zig-Zag carry tons of different rolling papers for a reason. Slow Burning, Ultra-Thin, Hemp, Unbleached, you name it, they have it. Each one with its own set of features and believe it or not, its own difficulty level for rolling a perfectly tight joint.
With the added uncertainty of what papers to use and not having a ‘rolling guru’ to guide me towards the light, I set course on a journey to learn from an all-powerful being; YouTube.
As I’m sure it happened for you, there comes a time in life when we all have to learn how to roll our own joints. Partly because we can’t be spending all our money on pre-rolls, and partly because there’s some pride thrown into the equation.
The question that remains is; what type of joint roller are you?
This is the starting point for most of us. Where we don’t know what we’re doing but we want to learn. But at this stage, this is the guy that does not roll a straight joint for the life of him.
This is the person that usually smokes out of a pipe and leaves joint-rolling for whenever someone else can do it. Slowly learning in the darkness, logging onto YouTube, and watching weird ‘how to roll your own joint’ tutorials in the darkness. Thinking “one day, one day”.
Strangely, this same person does not allow wastage. Weed is too precious for them and even though rolling skills might not be at the level where they want them to be, wastage is out of the question.
But a Sloppy Sammy at least has the initiative to want to learn how to roll the perfect joint. Although they might sometimes need the help of Zig-Zag pre-rolled cones. Unlike our next joint roller on the list who doesn’t care much about anything at all.
Wastage seems like a must for this person rather than an inconvenience. The Clumsy Jane is a person that knows how to roll a joint. Sometimes the joint comes out perfectly tight and straight, other times it might feel a little bendy, and other times it’s just plain unsmokable.
The Clumsy Jane is not only clumsy in their rolling habits, they’re inconsistent. So you never know what to expect with these guys. They’re basically like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV; “If he dies, he dies”, only this time is, “If it’s unsmokable, then we’ll figure it out”.
The Clumsy Jane can be a frustrating friend to have sitting around the rolling table when it comes time to prep the sesh. But they are also notorious for being a great smoking partner. Laid-back, fun, and incredibly nice.
The CJ is very much polar opposites with our next joint roller on the list. One who prides themself on rolling perfect joints every single time.
As anticipated, the Elegant Eleonor is that friend who despises weed wastage and is unbelievably proud of rolling joints that everyone admires. A joint rolled by an Elegant Eleonor probably classifies as one of the nicest joints you’ve ever smoked.
Expect absolutely no wastage, tight ends, straight cones, and zero creases. A EE always uses filter tips and likes to leave little surprises on their joints every now and then. Perhaps even goes through the trouble of dipping their joints in honey and doing other more creative rolls than you might expect.
In other words:
A joint rolled by an EE looks pretty much like a Zig-Zag Cone; perfectly rolled regardless of the paper used.
The Speedy Sally is an extremely fast roller that prioritizes smoking over neatness. While a Speedy Sally is not clumsy or sloppy, they are still not patient enough to be an Elegant Eleonor.
You can expect a decent joint from a Speedy Sally. But even more importantly, you can expect it immediately.
The Speedy Sally doesn’t care what type of rolling paper they use, whether its a blunt or a joint, what type of strain they are rolling with, if the joint has a filter tip or not, and if it’s a sealed joint or if they leave the tip open. A Speedy Sally’s priority is to smoke and to get to smoking fast.
If you’re a fan of the Looney Tunes, then you already know what a Slowbro is. They are easy to spot, and most of the time, they carry the stereotype of a typical stoner quite well.
They probably even clash with a Speedy Sally if it’s them rolling the joints. The Slowbro goes slowly, but not because they want to roll the perfect joint as an Elegant Eleonor would, but because they prioritize the journey over the outcome.
Slowbros like to smoke weed, but they like to take in the smoking experience. And that includes rolling a joint as slowly as necessary, cracking jokes, and having a conversation along the way to the finished product. These guys usually roll joints with slow-burning paper so they can enjoy the smoking experience.
This is not your dinner table centerpiece. This is that friend who never really learned how to roll a joint and idly sits in the back waiting for the joint to get to them. In other words, the Lazy Susan doesn’t really classify as a joint roller, but more of a leachy toker.
But don’t be scared if you are a Lazy Susan. It doesn’t mean that smoking with you isn’t cool, it just means that rolling is not your thing and you probably prefer to stick to bongs or pipes when running solo sessions.
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