The first time most of us hit a joint, it was likely rolled by someone else.
You probably didn’t roll the first joint you ever smoked. And if you did, then hats off to you my friend.
But regardless of how your first joint came about, there’s a reason why most of us don’t roll our first joints, and the reason is simple; we just don’t know how to do it.
We could ask a friend for a tutorial, browse the web, check out YouTube, or even hit up Herb. As I’m sure it’s happened to you, there comes a time in life when we all have to learn how to roll our own joints.
Partly because we can’t be spending all our money on pre-rolls and partly because there’s some pride that comes with rolling your own Js.
But the question remains, what type of joint roller are you?
Photo by RODNAE Productions
This is the starting point for most of us. Where we’re not sure how to go about it, but we’re eager to learn.
But at this stage, this type of roller isn’t so graceful with the moves but always makes sure they have something to smoke. Even if it’s one of the most laughable joints you’ve ever seen, it’s still smokeable.
A get-the-job-done type of roller, the Sloppy Sammy may often reach for the pipe and leave joint–rolling for someone else. Strangely, this same person does not allow wastage.
Weed is too precious for them, and even though rolling skills might not be at the level where they want them to be, wastage is out of the question. They will pick up every last flake of weed to gather for their next bowl.
But a Sloppy Sammy at least has the initiative to want to learn how to roll the perfect joint. However, they’d probably make good use of Zig-Zag pre-rolled cones.
This is unlike our next joint roller on the list, who doesn’t care much about anything at all.
Wastage seems like a must for this person rather than an inconvenience.
The Inconsistent Ian is a person that knows how to roll a joint. Sometimes the joint comes out perfectly tight and straight; other times, it might feel slightly bendy or just plain unsmokable.
The Inconsistent Ian is not only clumsy in their rolling habits; they’re inconsistent. So you never know what to expect with these guys.
They’re basically like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV; “If he dies, he dies,” only this time is, “If it’s unsmokable, then we’ll figure it out.”
The Inconsistent Ian can be a frustrating friend to have sitting around the rolling table when it comes time to prep the sesh. But they are also notorious for being a great smoking partner.
Laid-back, fun, and incredibly nice. The Inconsistent Ian is very much the polar opposite of our next joint roller on the list. One who prides themself on rolling perfect joints every single time.
Photo courtesy of Zig-Zag
As anticipated, the Elegant Eleonor is that friend who despises weed wastage and is unbelievably proud of rolling joints that everyone admires.
A joint rolled by an Elegant Eleonor probably classifies as one of the nicest joints you’ve ever smoked.
Expect absolutely no wastage, tight ends, straight cones, and zero creases. A EE always uses filter tips and likes to leave little surprises on their joints every now and then.
Perhaps they even go through the trouble of dipping their joints in honey and doing other creative techniques you wouldn’t expect. Everybody wants to be an Elegant Elenor, but only few are.
The Speedy Sally is an extremely fast roller that prioritizes smoking over neatness.
While a Speedy Sally is not clumsy or sloppy, they are still not patient enough to be an Elegant Eleonor.
However, you can expect a decent joint from a Speedy Sally. But more importantly, you can expect it immediately.
The Speedy Sally doesn’t care what type of rolling paper they use, whether it’s a blunt or a joint, what type of strain they are rolling with, if the joint has a filter tip or not, or if it’s sealed.
A Speedy Sally’s priority is to smoke and start the sesh ASAP.
Photo courtesy of Zig-Zag
If you’re a fan of the Looney Tunes, then you already know what a Slowbro is.
They are easy to spot, and most of the time, they carry the stereotype of a typical stoner quite well.
They usually clash with a Speedy Sally if it’s the Slowbro’s turn to roll a joint. The Slowbro goes slowly, not because they want to roll the perfect joint like Elegant Eleonor’s, but because they prioritize the journey over the outcome.
Slowbros like to smoke weed, but they like to take in the smoking experience. And that includes rolling a joint as slowly as necessary, cracking jokes, and having conversations along the way.
These guys usually roll joints with slow-burning paper so they can enjoy the smoking experience.
This is not your dinner table centerpiece. This is the friend who never really learned how to roll a joint and idly sits in the back, waiting for the joint to get to them.
In other words, the Lazy Susan doesn’t really classify as a joint roller, but more of a leachy toker.
But don’t be scared if you are a Lazy Susan. It doesn’t mean that smoking with you isn’t cool; it just means that rolling is not your thing, and you probably prefer to stick to bongs or pipes when running solo sessions.