The year was 2005. Seven years before any state would legalize recreational cannabis and only two years after Operation Pipe Dreams, which infamously booked Tommy Chong for prison time for selling glass online. One Florida product designer put bongs on liquor shelves. Jimi Beach, who previously sold indoor water features, unveiled a bong-shaped vodka bottle at Art Basel, an image I find irrationally funny. Bong Spirit Vodka has been on store shelves ever since.
But hear me out: Do that but with scotch you, cowards.
Vodka is for chumps. There’s a reason most of it ends up mixed with candy-sweet cola. Beach claimed he was inspired to make the design “on the symbolism of the bong as a communal object, and the subcultural role it has represented for decades as an icon for the underground art and entertainment community.” But it’s also pretty nifty because after you drink all the booze, you can pop the plastic label off the bottom, wedge a stem in it and use it as an actual bong. Fair enough, but a bong-shaped liquor bottle could be so much, much more.
Scotch is a full, robust flavor, and those who love it and those who hate it do so because of the intensity of the brew’s bite. Some of the fine scotches out there have a smokey, peaty blend, or a natural sweetness. Certain establishments will even fill your glass with a bit of genuine smoke before serving it. Now, imagine that bliss every time you rip a bong from the comfort of your own home.
I know the scotch world can be pretty hoity-toity, and requesting that any scotch maker invest their time and traditions in making a bong smell like Laphroaig might be a lost cause. But if we’ve come so far for vodka, then we’re mistreating our imaginations by stopping there. Think of the possibilities.
Thank you for your time.