culture | 12.04.2019

10 Dogs That Will Hilariously Remind You Of A Stoner You Know

From Timothy who has only smoked the herb once to Janet who pays $90 for an eighth, these dogs will remind you of a stoner you know.

Some believe that pot smokers fall under just one category. But the truth is, there are many types of stoners. Some you may already know, and some you will hope and pray you never meet. While we could easily throw up some pictures of all the different kinds of weed smokers, what fun would that be? Instead, we will use dogs. Don’t worry, none of these pups actually get down with the ganja. However, they do represent some of the types of stoners out there in a hilarious way. From Timothy who has only smoked the herb once, but swears he’s a connoisseur to Janet who pays $90 for an eighth, here are 10 dog bios that will remind you of a stoner you know.

1. Josh, 20

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Say’s shit like “Yolo” and “swag.” Sells weed out of his parent’s basement, and swears he is the best dealer around. Meanwhile, his bags are always full of stems and seeds. Also, he always keeps a nug or two for himself, which is why only high schoolers go to him.

2. Valerie, 25

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Valerie hates the smell of pot, but will never turn down a puff. She thinks she does a good job at hiding her love for the herb but has been spotted at Coachella after-parties toking on a fatty more than once. Her outfit of choice: a floral crown, Birkenstocks, crop top, and ripped denim, high-waisted shorts.

3. Mark, 43

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When Mark isn’t at his favorite local hipster coffee shop, he’s busy snapping his fingers and busting moves at the jazz club. He mainly smokes joints but will load up his Sherlock Holmes-looking pipe on special occasions.

4. Janet, 31

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Janet is a know-it-all who thinks she’s better than everyone else. Meanwhile, she spends $90 on an eighth and doesn’t even inhale properly. Also, Janet would prefer if you didn’t tell her wine-sipping friends at the country club that she smokes pot. It would ruin her reputation she says.

5. Greg, 22

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Greg looks like the stereotypical stoner but is actually the smartest guy you know. His device of choice is a bong, and despite his appearance, he only knows of one Bob Marley song. He secretly listens to Taylor Swift while he’s hitting the books, and is considering opening a dispensary after college.

6. Kelly, 30

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Kelly wouldn’t be caught dead eating a burger, or any meat for that matter, but has been smoking out of the same dirty bowl for weeks now. She loves taking “artistic” photos of herself, cups of coffee, and random books and posting them on Insta. Her favorite quote is “Live, Laugh, Love.” Wishes her ex would text her back already.

7. Chris, 18

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Chris wants to be just like Master Bong when he grows up. He’s been smoking pot since he was 16 but quit for two years after being caught puffing on the devil’s lettuce out of a can on the school bus.

8. Brittany, 27

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If it weren’t for her morning wake-and-bake, Brittany would probably stab someone. Her motivation to get through the day is knowing that she can smoke a blunt in bed when she gets home.

9. Timothy, 40

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Timothy goes by “The Timster,” but you can call him Tim. He loves scoping out the hotties at the community pool. In all forty years of his life, Timothy has only smoked weed once, and it was fairly recently. Still, he claims to be a cannoisseur. Would he try it again? Yes, but only if he doesn’t have to pay for it.

10. Sheryl, 45

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Sheryl is newly single and ready to mingle. Has three kids, and enjoys sneaking off to the laundry room to hit her dry herb vape. Her most commonly used phrase: “I need to speak to the manager.”

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